


but I'm still breathing

by allirica



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Divorce, Ficlet, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending, let Aaron Dingle be happy 2k20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:21:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22290247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allirica/pseuds/allirica
Summary: 'The thing is, he's used to it.He's used to losing everything, used to the pain and hurt; he’s used to having to pick himself back up and keep going, even when he has no clue what to do anymore or how to be happy again.'***a brief oneshot that's more of a character study of Aaron Dingle than anything.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Ed Roberts, Aaron Dingle/Jackson Walsh, Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	but I'm still breathing

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on my tumblr (allirica); I fiddled around with it to make it suitable to post here as a brief oneshot. It's more of a character study, but I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> note: this dips into canon events such as child sexual abuse, self harm, and suicide, so please proceed with caution if any of these things might be triggering for you.

The thing is, he's used to it.

He's used to losing everything, used to the pain and hurt; he’s used to having to pick himself back up and keep going, even when he has no clue what to do anymore or how to be happy again. He has no idea how to be the person everyone wants him to be. He keeps trying anyway, tries his hardest, but he's just so tired.

His mum abandons him. One minute she’s there, the next, she’s just gone, and he’s alone with an angry and bitter Gordon. He takes the hit. He keeps going.

Gordon abuses him. He has nowhere to turn to. The woman who abandoned him tries, but he can’t trust her. He doesn’t even know her. All he has is Gordon and a stepmum who doesn’t - or won’t - notice what is happening. He takes it. He keeps going.

His mother hits him. He’s had worse, but she doesn’t know that. His face burns. Her palm leaves a mark. She says she’s sorry. She cries. He doesn’t shed a single tear. He takes the hit. He keeps going.

Gordon kicks him out. He faces the drug dealers calmly, because he’s used to it now, used to things fucking up for him. He expects it. Gordon kicks him out, and the only option he has is the mother who abandoned him, a family who might as well be strangers, and a village he doesn’t know, where everyone expects the worst of him. He takes it all. He keeps going.

When he does something good, when he risks himself to try and stop a disaster from happening, everyone, including his own mother, turn on him, believing instantly that he was at fault. It takes the word of someone else, someone his mum barely knows, for her to believe it, because she doesn’t trust her own son. He takes the judgement and the accusations. He keeps going.

He bottles things up, feels lost and scared alone while facing something he has no idea how to deal with, something tangled up in his history with his father. It gets so bad that he nearly loses his best friend. It gets so bad that he tries to end his own life. But he wakes up again, surrounded by people telling him to keep going. So he does.

He finds Jackson. He loves. He does everything he can to be deserving of the love he gets back. He’s barely an adult, but he sticks by Jackson no matter what. He has the strength to do something few others could do. He loses his first love. He feels guilty and sick for it. He looks around him and sees a village full of people judging him for what he did for the man he loved. The only outlet he has is hurting himself, so he does, because he can’t do the alternative. He has to keep going. So he does.

He finds Ed. He finds a possible glimmer of happiness after months of pain and grief. And then he faces the possibility of losing his best friend again, and sacrifices himself instead. He runs, leaving his home, his family and his loved ones behind, knowing he can’t return. But he keeps going, because he has Ed. And then he doesn’t have Ed, and he’s alone in a different country, but he picks himself back up, takes the hit, and he keeps going. 

Then Robert happens. He takes every hit that comes with loving Robert, and he keeps going. And then it all falls apart. He loses Robert; throws him away, really, but it feels the same as losing him, breaks his heart just as much. He gets blamed for his shooting and put into prison, where he goes through hell, where he contemplates the worst. But he keeps going.

Gordon comes back. It nearly kills him. But Robert’s there. Robert is the strength he needs when he can’t find his own anymore. With Robert at his side, he gets Gordon locked up. He and Robert find each other again. They keep going.

He goes to prison. Jason happens. Gordon’s cell happens. He’s empty. The only thing he has is the strength to carry on for Robert, for Liv, for his mum. So he takes the punches. He takes every hit. He picks himself back up. He keeps going.

He comes back from prison and his world, his life, this pocket of happiness that he never expected he would ever get, it all comes crashing down around him. It hurts and he hurts himself, but he keeps going, until he knows he can’t anymore. So he finds the strength to do what he has to and walk away. He takes the time to heal. He does what he needs to in order to pick himself back up. He sees the man he loves constantly, is reminded almost daily of what he walked away from. He keeps going.

His best friend has to leave. He knows he’ll never see him again. He does what he has to to get the man who has stood at his side for years to safety. He has the strength to say goodbye, knowing he won’t see him again, knowing that he’s losing his best friend, but it’s better than the alternative. So he says goodbye. He takes the heartbreak. He keeps going.

He and Robert find each other again. They get married, properly, suits and confetti and vows in front of the people they care about. They’re happy, properly happy. Getting through each day isn’t a fight, isn’t a battle. For the first time in years, he gets to be happy. He gets to believe that he _can_ be happy. They talk about kids. They talk about the future. He realises he _has_ a future, something he didn’t think he had, not since that day he tried to end it. He has a future, and it’s with Robert. 

And then it all gets ripped apart again. Robert’s gone. He’s lost his best friend. Everyone around him expects him to keep going, because that’s what he’s always done, isn’t it? But he can’t. He doesn’t know how. He’s trying, he’s trying so hard, but he’s lost his husband. He’s lost the love of his life. He doesn’t know what to do now, doesn’t know how to cope, doesn’t know how to move forward, so he does other things instead. It doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t make it less painful. But he tries. He keeps going.

And then he accepts it. He signs the papers. He puts a smile on his face, holds baby Harry, hugs his sister. He takes the biggest, most painful hit he ever could have imagined, and he doesn’t know what to do now or how to go forward, but he knows he needs to focus on himself. He needs to heal. He needs to move on.

So he picks himself back up. 

And he keeps going.

**Author's Note:**

> \---> allirica over on tumblr.


End file.
